A Contract Between the Ayatollahs and God

It was recently reported in the Iranian press that Jaafar Shajooni, a mid-level but influential cleric who heads the prayer leaders association had said that God had signed a contract with the ayatollahs, entrusted much to them. Here is my take on the text of such an agreement.

Contract Between God and the Ayatollahs

This contract is signed between God and the ayatollahs to cover the affairs of people who live on planet Earth and in Iran, who together will be generally referred to as “people” in this agreement.

Article One. For God to establish relations with people (residents of Iran and the world), he is required to pursue such activities through the ayatollahs.  Reciprocally, the ayatollahs undertake to tell people whatever they wish on behalf of God.

Article Two. God must announce his decisions regarding people only through the ayatollahs. The ayatollahs undertake to announce, or not announce, any parts of such notices as they please, or as they dislike, or to retract whatever they may have said in the past at any time they wish, or to unexpectedly announce that they had forgotten to declare something or anything in the past, while God has no right to interfere in the ayatollahs’ relations with the people.

Article Three. Ayatollahs have the right to impose taxes on people as the fees for their services, or wages, and pronounce these as the rights of God. God gives the ayatollahs the authority to spend, or not to spend and expend this income for people in any way they like. God has no right to question them on this.

Article Four. God undertakes to consider all the instructions prescribed in the Quran (the original agreement), but nobody except the ayatollahs have the right to announce the views of God to the people. God himself must ask the ayatollahs (specifically the public relations office of ayatollah Khamenei) about the interpretations of the Quran. God is responsible to note the names of all those people who personally, as a group, through non-Shiite groups, as dervishes, or other corrupt groupings interpret God’s views from the Quran, prevent them from entering Heaven and to cooperate with (Iran’s) judiciary to prosecute them.

Article Five. God is responsible to act according to the view of the ayatollahs on the political issues of Iran, international affairs, the US and Africa. Russia and China are exempt from this agreement until further notice. In return, the ayatollahs commit to keep their media to themselves and to prevent the publication or the broadcasting of anything against God and his associates which the ayatollahs consider to be incorrect.

Article Six. Allowing people to enter or exit Heaven or Hell is God’s prerogative. But in view of the expert views of the ayatollahs, he is obliged to respect the views of the ayatollahs in letting someone into or out of Heaven and Hell.

Article Seven. In view of those actions that are attributed to Satan and which are carried out through groups such as Satan Lovers, artists, intellectuals, women, the youth, and Westerners, God is committed to inflict pain on these individuals after they die and to refrain from engaging in negotiations with them, listen to their grievances, and establish any personal relations with them for as long as they live. If he decides to provide any assistance to them, he must first coordinate this with the appropriate authorities.

Note on Article Eight. Generally God does not have the right to directly act to fulfill the prayers and wishes of people and must do so only through cooperation with the appropriate authorities.

Article Eight. Since some former ayatollahs have been deceived by Satans or those associated with him, and have attempted to establish personal relations with God under the guise of being religious intellectuals, priests, Brahmans, Kohanims, or bishops, and who may act outside this agreement, God is thus responsible to pursue all of his merciful acts, graceful acts, divine acts, or any financial assistance and contributions, or even sexual services only through the ayatollahs. Coordination with the ayatollahs on these and other acts shall take place through the supreme leader (specifically the public relations office of ayatollah Khamenei).

Article Nine. The dispatch of any prophets, imams, representatives, etc by God must be announced to the ayatollahs at least two years prior to the act and coordinations must be made with the ayatollahs regarding the purpose and goals of such dispatches with the ayatollahs, and any redundancy regarding this should be avoided. 

Article Ten. This contract is effective and valid for seven thousand Earth years from the time it is mutually signed. It shall be signed in two original copies and its scope shall include all other planets, moons and galaxies in addition to Earth.

Signatures:

God: Allah

Jaafar Shajooni: Ayatollah Khamenei’s representative for agreements