General Naghdi’s Problem

Satire

In a letter to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the commander of Iran’s Basij para-military force General Naghdi has asked the president that since he is going to be the head of the Non-Aligned Movement for the next nine months to immediately take over the leadership of the world and change it! Since only excerpts of this letter have been published for the public, we are hereby publishing the full contents of the letter which we have obtained through a secret agent.

Excellency Mr. Ahmadinejad

The respected president, head of the NAM, the UN, the Islamic Conference Organization etc.

With congratulations on the success of the Islamic republic in holding a magnificent meeting of the NAM, I present the following recommendations to you and request the head of the NAM to implement these in the remaining nine months of your leadership.

1-Remove Israel from the map of the world and since Hamas and Mahmoud Abbas are deviants, the Lebanese Hezbollah should form a Palestinian government there and send its report to Iran.

2-Since the headquarters of the UN are in New York City, Iran’s police cannot control it and Iran’s state-run radio and television network cannot alter the speeches of world leaders too, issue instructions on behalf of the NAM to move the UN to a neutral place such as Tehran so that Iranian Basijis can attack the UN whenever they are displeased with the organization and occupy it.

3-Please write a letter to the United Nations on behalf of the head of the NAM ordering it to annul the veto right of the permanent members of the Security Council so that the security of the world will be guaranteed like it is for Iran.

4-In view of the dependence of the US, France, Germany and Britain on Israel, issue instructions on behalf of the NAM for the Security Council of the UN to free itself from the monopoly of these members and pass the principal membership of the body to Russia, China, Syria, Iran and the esteemed supreme leader of the revolution.

5-Since the Iranian Basij organization sees some deviance in the Arab Spring movement, the head of the NAM is thus requested to order Arab countries to remove the season of spring from the calendar of Arab states and pronounce a six-month winter in its place. Also, because of deviations in the revolutions in Tunisia, Libya and Egypt, these countries issue instructions for these countries to hold new elections under the supervision of the ministry of interior of the NAM in Tehran at Fatemi Square, on the right, block no 23. I will personally announce the names of presidents of Egypt, Libya and Tunisia by next week. Also, instruct the countries of Bahrain, Yemen, Turkey, Myanmar, and former Saudi Arabia to quickly prepare the grounds for a revolution and create the suitable anti-American governments. Also, coordinate the name of their presidents with us.

6-In view of the necessity of the victory of the Wall Street movement in the usurper US, issue orders so that imperialist US is first accepted as a member of the NAM and then issue instructions so that the country is returned to its original owners, i.e., our red Indians and black brethren, including Martin Luther King, Uncle Tom on behalf of blacks and the Navajo, Apache, Pueblo, Cherokee, Chocheno, Cheyenne, Lakhota and Sioux tribes. Also, the usurpers in the occupied lands should return to their original countries of Ireland, Holland, Germany, France and Britain so peace returns to these United States. I, along with Basiji brethren, pronounce my readiness to dispatch Basij units to take custody of these.

7-In view of your leadership of the NAM, issue instructions for the Dollar to be removed as the international currency. And, just as Iran has decided to replace it with gold, the NAM too should first replace the Dollar with gold and then remove all bank notes and coins to eventually use camels, dates, and sheep instead of gold so that all barter trade takes place through these items instead of money.

8-Since there will be no US and Israel in the next six months, it is better that all countries of the world become members of the NAM and the UN be disbanded as of next year.

9-On behalf of the NAM, please issue the orders for the country of Turkey to be transferred to Syria and for Syria to be a neighbor of Iran.

10-It is necessary that Sweden and Norway join the NAM. It is assumed that Nobel Prizes (i.e., those for peace, literature, mathematics, nuclear physics and chemistry) are all put under the supervision of the head of the NAM and the Nobel Peace prize be annually bestowed to the commander of the Revolutionary Guards, and the Nobel Literature prize to the supreme leader.

Since I and my wife are on our way to general Firuzabadi’s house for dinner, I will now end this letter and will write my remaining recommendations on a future occasion to be sent to you.

Mohammad Bagher Naghdi, the commander of the 60-70 million Basij Force