Raping the Sharp Toothed Tiger (a Satire)

The story of the British sailors has turned into quite a story. After receiving 200 thousand dollars, Faye Turney published her story and said that she was afraid of being raped by the Iranians. Soon after, the British minister of defense banned the sailors from selling their stories. We conducted an interview with Faye Turney one hour before the minister’s order. It cost us 300 thousand dollars, but it was worth it. Please read the interview carefully.

We: How come you were arrested?

Faye (since we are Iranians Faye Turney has become friends with us and we call each other by our first names): We were moving in the water when we were suddenly attacked. We first thought they were Italians, because their flag looked like the Italian flag, just backwards. So…

We: How did you realize they were not Italians?

Faye: They kept talking by moving their eyes and eyebrows rather than their hands, so we figured they weren’t Italians.

We: Didn’t you have guns? Why didn’t you resist?

Faye: Well, they didn’t look like very mean, plus they weren’t far from us and we couldn’t shoot them. We were afraid there’d be fighting and we’d kill each other.

We: How was Tehran?

Faye: Well, it was hard in the beginning. They separated me from the rest because they said I was a woman. I protested and said why do you separate me from them, separate them from me. So they did that and separated them from me.

We: Where were you imprisoned?

Faye: I don’t know, but it was a solitary cell and we were taken out for interrogations.

We: How did they take your clothes off?

Faye: They asked me to take my clothes off. I said no, first you take your clothes off, then I’d do it.

We: What happened then?

Faye: That lady thought I’m a lesbian, so she said don’t you have kids, shame on you!

We: How did you figure out they wanted to rape you?

Faye: I was sleeping at night and I heard the sound of something like tea pouring in a cup. Then the door opened and someone gave me tea. Usually when someone gives me tea in prison I feel like they might rape me afterward.

We: How were the interrogations?

Faye: Very bad, they closed my eyes, and I constantly thought they wanted to rape me, then they asked me what my mission was, and without raping me they took me back to prison.

We: Did they threaten to kill you too?

Faye: Yes, one day I saw that someone was playing with me, I went to hug it but saw that it was a woman. I said what? She didn’t say anything, she just kept taking measurements of my neck and waist and stuff. I thought she was definitely taking measurements to give to the rape official so that they could see if I was suitable for rape or not. But then I thought they were going to make a coffin for me, but finally it turned out they were sewing clothes for me.

We: How did you feel when you were in front of the camera?

Faye: I felt really bad, I was sure they wanted to rape me in front of the camera and make a porno, but I knew that Iranians don’t make porno movies. Later I realized that that was a lie too and they just wanted to tape our confessions.

We: What is your worst memory?

Faye: It was the last day, someone knocked on the door, I immediately made myself ready for rape. She said wear your clothes, let’s go. I said should I wear them or take them off? She said we’re going to see the President. I said, no, not him! Can’t we go to your former president or army commander? They are much hotter. She said don’t you want to be freed? I said so what about the rape? She didn’t say anything.

We: What would you have done if they had raped you?

Faye: I would have sold the story for one million pounds.

Ebrahim Nabavi is an internationally acclaimed satirist who contributes regularly to Rooz